Think about the last conference, networking event, dinner party, board meeting, or random introduction where you met someone new.
If someone called you tomorrow looking for help with something, would this person come to mind? And if they did, what would you do next?
Networking. Love it or hate it, most of us assume networking and conversations with other people are just about exchanging information. We think we’re collecting facts about what someone does, where they work, and why they’re there. We also tend to think this is what people are trying to find out about us.
Maybe in the moment. But it’s not usually what we leave with. What we leave with is a story of who we imagine the person is. And if you’re at a conference or event, this story starts to compete with every other story we’re carrying around about everyone else we’ve met.
I know, my head hurts a bit when I write this too.
But I give a shit (a big one)about your future, so I keep talking about it.
Which means the question isn’t really “What do you do?” The more interesting question is, “What story am I helping them create about me?”
The “Are you making it easy for them to create a future story about you?” idea came up twice for me this week with different clients who were off to hang out with some other clever people. I thought you should benefit from seeing it too. And no, you don’t have to attend a multi-day conference.
It’s Experiment Time!
Same rules as last time.
The experiment starts at the line break.
You get to choose which version - you’ll find out why then.
Share what came up in the comments, or hit reply if this arrived in your inbox.
Potentialist Move: Ask yourself, who did you meet recently you’d still want to talk about in a room they’re not in? I’ve got a list.
But before an experiment, what did that email say?
I’m going to assume, for a second, that you (like them) have had some thoughts about your intro approach. No one reaches out to me unless they’ve started thinking about this. I, however, wanted them to up their ambition a bit.
Why? Because you might have the most FABULOUS answer to the question “What do you do?” But by the end of a multi-day event, nobody remembers every answer they heard. What they remember are the people sparked their imagination.
So I sent both of them the same note. This is what I said:
“Hey!
I was thinking about your week and the opportunity for you to build a pipeline of relationships. These are all people who could have conversations about you after the conference in the rooms you won’t be in.
I know you’ll be brilliant at follow-up with each of them. But what I want you to remember is this.
What you want is for them to see you as “the person who...” and that doesn’t start with your “what do I do” sentence; it ends with what they remember about you. And yes, more than just clever, curious, and in the room. Everyone is. :) So I put some ideas together for you on how to do this.
Become Useful To Their Future. - without giving your time or talent away.
Why: You don’t need to prove anything; you’re in the room. The big opportunity is to help them see how you think.
1. Listen for the thing underneath the thing. - Listen for what they’re actually worried about, betting on, or trying to become. We’re ALL trying to do this, and this space is HARD. It’s where those pick-me vibes we talk about run rampant. So remember they’ll model “pick-me” at both ends of the spectrum. With either the servile or arrogant versions, they’re just messaging “I’m worried about what you’re thinking about me.”
The sooner you can diminish that fear, the faster they’ll move into curiosity with you.
So what makes us feel better? When people ask us questions about the thing underneath the thing. Curiosity is collaborative by nature, so people feel seen.
2. Give imagination language, not advice. If you spot a pattern, name it. People remember the person who sees a similar future. Try using phrases like this:
“Are you saying this (what you saw) or something else?”
“Here’s what I’m imagining when you say that. Is that close?”
3. Have variations of the “I hadn’t thought about it that way” statement in your back pocket. It’s a magic “yes and” statement that invites you to join a conversation rather than having to prove you belong. It might also open a new door to someone’s thinking. And not just the person with the idea.
Track Evidence That People Are Writing Their Story About You
Why: Everyone in the room will have a tiny story about everyone in the room. They’ll either validate it or edit it. You want to pay attention to which. This is an AWESOME opportunity to find out how someone is sense-making the story of who you are.
1. How many people asked a second question after the initial intro? Who’s moving beyond polite curiosity and into “Wait a second, I want to know more” curiosity. You want “Tell me more” more than “I get it.”
2. Ask them what they’d bring you in for. This is an amazing opportunity to do some market research on you. Find out how they imagine you might be useful. Now it’s an unusual question, so tell them it’s an experiment. But only if you need to lower any pick-me vibes. This does 2 things. a) you get data - what is the narrative they’re creating about you, and b) it gives them a practice session in talking about you. Warning - Don’t try to correct them if they’re wrong.
3. Ask them how they’d like you to introduce them in the future. Model what you want. I know you know this, but be the person who creates momentum for others, but instead of just introducing, do it with intent. I’ve lost count of how many people are surprised by this question and are always super grateful I asked it. Warning - be prepared for them to fumble on this answer. Not everyone has thought about this idea as much as you and I have. This is also a GREAT question to ask in any follow-up you do.
Have fun! I’m curious to hear what you learned!”
I shared these two ideas with both of my clients because the conference setting made it obvious. But the dynamic they’re navigating isn’t unique to a room full of strangers with name badges. It’s in all the conversations you have over a standard week.
You’re in bidirectional conversations multiple times a day. Conversations where both sides are carrying their own preconceived notions of who each person is, what they do, and (more importantly) what future you’re creating together.
The dynamics in a conference setting play out just as much as they do in our work.
So here’s the same (ish) email to you, but optimized for any time.
The “Bi-directional” experiments
There are 2 lessons in the email I sent to my clients.
How to build trust in a space where people might be feeling wobbly.
How to see if you’ve built trust in a space where people might be feeling wobbly.
Ideal for a multi-day conference. But less so for the equally wobbly workplace. I’m interested in hearing which one you try. Or is it both?
Experiment 1: Become useful to their future
Pick one conversation this week. Listen for what they’re actually worried about or trying to become. Not what they said. What’s underneath it?
When you think you’ve spotted it, try one of these:
“Are you saying [what you heard] or something else?”
“Here’s what I’m imagining when you say that. Is that close?”
“I hadn’t thought about it that way,” but only if you really mean it. Let it open a door rather than close one.
Notice how the conversation changes when you respond to what’s underneath rather than what’s on the surface.
Experiment 2: What’s the story they’re sharing?
Find someone this week who you think is a fan of yours. Ask them how they’d introduce you to someone they respect.
Listen for what they say. Listen for what they don’t say. Notice where they fumble and where they’re confident. Remember, like my clients, don’t correct them. This is a fact-finding mission. Be prepared for them to fumble on this answer. If they do, here is How to Handle the Fumble without ruining the experiment.
Bonus move: ask them who they’d introduce you to and why. This gives you a peek into what value they see in the story they’d share about you. It gives them a moment to think about what doors of opportunity they’d open for you.
As always. I’m intrigued to hear which of you decide to apply any or all of these. There are no “this didn’t work” or “it did” because the reactions you’ll get (that bidirectional thing) are what matter here.
From your Potentialist.
Future creation is always a collaborative bet on what lies ahead. Next time you’re in a conversation, ask yourself, what are we both betting on?
Joanna Bloor works with people who are ahead of something real.
People don’t move because they’re persuaded. They move because something clicks. Because they suddenly see themselves inside a future they couldn’t previously imagine.
I work on ideas that need to survive the retelling.Because that’s how the future gets made.